Early February

This week I'm grateful for:

• warm weather that allows my children to run and scream (they call it playing) in the backyard while I make dinner


• a small boy who mostly stays in his crib even though he has learned to climb out


• three children who ask for bike helmets before they start pedaling


• more ideas than the time it takes to get everything done


• text messages that make me laugh in the midst of chaos and craziness.

Finding Myself

At first I had a bike, and I rode that bike a couple of times a week. It got me out of the house. It gave my lazy legs some much needed exercise. I celebrated my first 20-mile ride and would shake my head at people who rode 40, 50 or 100 miles at a time. It seemed like mileage I'd never be comfortable, or enjoy, riding.

And then something changed.

I've become that person. The one who now has a closet full of spandex, who doesn't think twice about chain grease on my hands, who reads cycling blogs/books/magazines, and looks at winding roads through beautiful scenery dreaming about putting my tires to the pavement. I ride 40, 50 or 100 mile rides and even plan vacations around cycling events. Instead of collecting coffee mugs from destinations I look for bike shops and buy souvenir tee-shirts.

I've become a cyclist. And I love it.

My goal for 2014 was 1500 miles and a century (100-mile) ride. It would be a goal that pushed me physically and mentally; forcing me to get out in ride in the rain and wind, when temps were colder, after the sun set, and when I didn't necessarily feel like riding. When the weather was too bad to ride outside, I'd need to ride inside on the trainer.

As the miles rolled by, I found myself needing time on my bike. On particularly challenging days I'd head out and hope the black cloud looming over my head would be left somewhere along my route. Most of the time I came home more centered and calm. Some days I needed some not-so-gentle encouragement from my awesome support system to get out. And on those days I usually came back with my head in a better place. My bike became the place where I could be alone with my thoughts, hammering through whatever was swirling around inside my skull.

And as the miles rolled by, those goals suddenly loomed in front of me, easily within my grasp. My friend and I rode the 50-mile Spinderella ride in June; I completed the 100-mile heART of Idaho century ride, I blew past my 1500 mile goal in early September, and I rode the Moab Century on a much needed adult get away with my husband. I was amazed at what I was able to accomplish; grateful for everything that allows me to push my body so hard.

2014 finished at just over 2000 miles total, including two century rides, and many rides full of laughter (and some curse words) with friends. It was an awesome season and as ice covers the roads in Idaho now, I dream of clear pavement and miles ahead of me in 2015.

Cold weather gear

Two lane roads flanked by fields

Spinderella -- June 2014

heArt of Idaho -- August 2014

Moab Century -- September 2014

Mountain biking in Moab

Getting the Wheels Turning

A couple of years ago, I bought a bike. A really awesome new roadbike. With the intent to lose myself in a new hobby. A hobby that would allow me the chance to get away from everything for an hour here and there, and the chance to get into better shape. 

Life had other plans though.

I bought the bike at the end of the season in 2011, as they were closing out models in preparation for the coming spring. My hope was to be start riding as soon as the snow cleared and the temps began to climb. What we didn't expect was to find out baby #3 was on the way! Which always sidetracks so much for me because of the hyperemesis. So the bike was ridden a couple of times and then stowed away for another year.

Last spring C gave me the push I needed. Not a gentle nudge by any means but a full-fledged SHOVE. And I fell in love. I became addicted. Riding was the outlet I needed to clear my head, to work through whatever was bouncing around and jumbling my thoughts up. 

Baby Boy was only 6 months old when I started the season, and still needing momma quite often (if you get my drift) so I started with low mileage rides and a meager season goal. My hope was to hit 500 miles for the summer. Much to my surprise I managed to log almost 900!

This year I'm setting my sights higher.

I have two main goals:

• 1500 miles pedaled
• a 100-mile "century" ride.

My awesome friend, Flying Monkeys, is coming along for the ride. We've signed up for the 50-mile portion of the all-girl Spinderella ride in June, and the HeART of Idaho Century in early August. The Spinderella will be a good mid-point training ride in preparation for the century. Our hope is to finish the century ride and actually enjoy it. Well, as much as you can enjoy sitting on a skinny bike seat for that long. When it comes down to it, we want to finish and not hate ourselves, not hate the ride.

I'm nervous, and excited at the same time. 1500 miles isn't going to be easy to hit but it's going to be great motivation!

Sleep Struggles

Every few months I hit these cycles where I don't sleep well. To be more specific, I don't fall asleep well.

I lay in bed, thinking about all the stuff that needs to be done, all the stuff I should have done differently that day, all the stuff I need to do better tomorrow. So there I lay. My mind racing and my body exhausted; fighting a battle with each other, standing toe to toe to see how long my mind will whirl, finally easing itself to my body's weariness. Some nights the battle rages for an hour or so. Some night I easily see 3 or 4am on the clock on the nightstand.

I've tried the recommended tricks: shutting off all electronics for a length of time before bed, no exercising late in the day, no caffeine after lunch, writing down the surge of thoughts bombarding my brain to clear my head. Doesn't help. The more I think about how I need to sleep, the harder the fight is.

But I'm too tired to sew and it's too late to clean or call someone to chat. So I find myself sitting on the couch scribbling notes. Making myself plans for the cycling season. Trying to hash out a way to get the business where I want it go. Writing lists of the household chores that need to be tackled. And trying to figure out how to make it all work when I'll be struggling to function the next day on 4-5 hours of sleep.

And after about three weeks I fall back into the routine of falling asleep as soon as I lay down.

Setting My Course

I think I was about 11 or 12 when my dad first taught me to drive tractor. Looking back it seems young, but it's the way things were with farm-life. A necessity of sorts -- kids could help haul wagons, run lunch down to the field, fetch parts when stuff broke down. As they got more adept at handling equipment they advanced their way up to doing more involved tasks.

To this day I remember one of the most important lessons about doing field work: setting your course. As I positioned the tractor at the end of the field, about to begin my first pass with equipment my Dad told me to pick a point at the opposite end of the field and to drive towards that. Setting my sights all the way to my destination would keep my course straight. If I was constantly picking short points ahead of me, I'd meander my way across the field in a hap-hazard, crooked mess.

This is a lesson I've used many, many times throughout my life. From day to day simple tasks like mowing the lawn (because yes, I like my lines to be straight) to bigger endeavors like getting through grad school research. It's not always a guarantee something won't set you off course but it helps to get to your destination.

I've realized though, that in the craziness of life lately, I've started looking ahead only to those close landmarks. Some of it is a way to get through the busy days and challenges with trying to juggle so much; that whole "take it one day/project/step at a time" bit. But it's time for me to refocus and set my goals further out. 

It's time to look at some big things and make it happen!

Thankful

Today I am thankful for:

• the wonderful woman who offered the girls cups of ice water when we stopped at the pharmacy


• the ability to renew library books online


• the new friends I have made at t-ball games (other moms)


• kids that did really well through a t-ball game in 90 degree heat and then the ensuing errands that needed to happen before we could get home for lunch.

Making it Work

My days are chocked full of what is necessary: mealtimes thrice a day, doling out snacks, sorting/washing/folding laundry, nursing the baby, changing diapers, sweeping and washing floors, loading and unloading dishes from the dishwasher, baths, slathering sunblock, kissing boo-boos, combing hair, fixing ponytails, reading stories, playing dolls, building block towers, de-escalating arguments, pushing swings, watering flowers, refilling water bottles.  Fortunately, the mundane is interspersed with moments of laughter, silliness and cherished memories.

When you add in t-balls games, library trips, playgroups/playdates, appointments, errands, and grocery shopping the busy days get even busier.  

In order to keep the business functioning, I check and respond to business emails on my phone at stop lights and while the little boy nurses.  Mandated afternoon "breaks" at home mean I can usually squeeze in an hour or so of sewing while everyone rests/naps; I then work as much as possible after the small ones are all in bed at night, often sewing until my eyes are heavy and I stop for fear of making big mistakes or putting a needle through my finger.

To preserve my own sanity I've started pushing myself to get out and ride 3-4 times a week. It helps to clear my head and reset my temperament, allowing me to be a better mom, wife and seamstress when I get back.  Some days the pull to stay home and check things off my to-do list is tough to overcome but it's getting easier as I continue to crank out miles.

So yeah, blogging?  It's such a low priority it's about to fall off my to-do list.  Same for most of my usual haunts: Pinterest, Facebook, message boards.  If you really want to see periodic glimpses you can catch me on Instagram more often than anywhere else but even that isn't regular.

But it's okay if I'm not here very often.  Right now I've got other places to be...

Today I'm Grateful for...

• (6/8/13)  My six year old played her heart out this season in soccer.  The coach was a high school student with no coaching experience, and (I'm assuming) little experience with small children.  The other team members up sporadically for practice and late for most games.  Often times they would have to "borrow" players from the opposing team to even have enough to start a game.  They didn't win a single game all season -- usually getting beaten badly -- but she had a fabulous time and made a tremendous amount of personal progress.  After the final game she told us that it was okay they never won any games because she had a great time playing/learning and that she was excited to play again in the fall (if she could).



• (6/9/13) Amidst all the stuff I needed to do, my husband pushed me to change into my cycling clothes and ride.  He helped to plan a route to fit the mileage I wanted, even ensuring that I started out riding headlong into the 20+mph winds so that when my legs were starting to tire I'd have it blowing at my back, nudging me home.  93 minutes later I cruised into the driveway with a clear head and 18.33 miles on my bike computer.



• (6/9/13) While I rode and the kids napped, C installed the new garbage disposal.  It's wonderful not having to pay a serviceman to come fix certain things. AND he managed to score the one he wanted on clearance, saving us money on the purchase price as well!



• (6/10/13) An unexpected greeting card, from a wonderful friend, brought words of encouragement and support at the end of a long, exhausting day.  A simple gesture that helped bring a smile to my face.



• (6/10/13) Simple, much-needed, long-overdue conversation with a friend.  Face to face conversation instead of over Skype, through text messages or just on the phone. 

Morning Thankfulness

1. I'm grateful for my trooper of a six year old, who played an entire game of soccer (there weren't enough players from her team there to allow anyone to sub out for a break) in the POURING, cold rain on Saturday, without uttering a single complaint.



2. I'm grateful for beautiful, fragrant blossoms on the trees in my yard and weather that calls for open windows, allowing the scent to gently drift into my house this morning.

Unheard Conversations

Today I'm grateful for things that may seem trivial to some, but they are my saving grace.

• Friends that really, truly understand (and empathize with) the craziness of life.  The ones that get the good, the bad and the whirlwind of it all.

 

• Text messages that allow me to blow off steam when my audience doesn't allow it.  MUCH better than bottling it up inside and letting it go.

 

• The circumstances that brought such wonderful friends into my life.

Morning Normalcy

A random sampling of things said in our household this morning:

• We don't spray Logan with the water bottle.
• We don't drink out of the water bottle.
• We don't lick sister's skirt.
• We don't use the brush on the leather couch.
• We don't put dog toys in sister's backpack.
• We don't lick chocolate off the booster chair.
• We don't put soda in our cereal.

If you couldn't guess, this was all directed at the middle one.  This kid keeps me on my toes!

Gratitude 4/26/13

(Some highlights from this week.)

1. The middle one has hit the stage where she voluntarily tells us all she loves us.  Out of nowhere she'll come up to me, wrap her arms around whatever body part is accessible and say, "love you momma".  Sometimes followed up by a "so much".  I love you too, little one; I love you too.



2. The biggest one is playing soccer this spring.  She plays her little heart out.  The team is less experienced than most; the coach a senior in high school -- doing this for his senior project -- with no coaching experience, and no clue about coaching 6 year olds.  She doesn't let it stop her.  At practice she listens well, does what the coach asks and does not goof off during downtime.  During games she gives 110% for the entire 35-45 minutes she's on the field.  I'm so proud of her excitement, enthusiasm and desire to learn new things.



3. The littlest one is able to grab things on his own accord and bring them to his mouth.  This makes entertaining him much easier, especially when I need to work on dinner or do something for one of the girls.  It's wonderful being able to give him a toy and lay him on the floor or prop him up in the bumbo.



4. The new vet clinic we're using offered to help me to the car on Monday.  Wrangling 50-pounds of blind dog, the baby in the carseat, and two older kids is no easy feat.  A simple offer of help is greatly appreciated.



5. C took the girls to soccer practice last night and let me stay home with the baby.  An infected tear duct in my one eye means no contacts for a few days and a very sore, irritated eye.  As much as I missed watching practice, it was nice not having to go out in the wind and bright sun and end up with it more irritated.

One-Touch Rule

When we bought this house in 2006, it was the perfect size for our newly expanding family.  Our house in Provo was just under 1000 square feet so it felt like a huge upgrade to move into something closer to 1700.  I marveled at the extra space and all the closet room I was going to have.

Three kids and a business later means we have way exceeded the capacity of this house.  Our closets are beyond full, causing me to constantly get creative with storage solutions.  I have more storage containers and shelf baskets than one home should probably have in an attempt to hide/store the mess.  

Our home isn't fancy by any means but I feel like it always looks so much nicer when it's clean and tidy.  So I try my hardest to keep the clutter to a minimum.  I've found myself lately just moving stuff from one cluttered spot to another to save time (setting stuff by the stairs to take downstairs, clearing off the counter but putting stuff in piles on the kitchen table counter to put away later). 

A couple of weeks ago I was reading somewhere about the one-touch rule and I'm working hard to implement it here in the house.  In theory you touch an item once.  If you pick something up off the counter you take it immediately to its final place, no setting it down somewhere else to be put away later.  Business stuff immediately goes downstairs and gets put away; clean laundry is put away immediately instead of sitting in the basket at the foot of the bed.  It often means I'm running up and down the stairs (what feels like) a million times a day but I think it is making a difference in the clutter.

Now if only I could get the other members of the house to participate!

Gratitude 4/16/13

Yesterday was a tough day -- easily one of the most challenging days I've had as a parent -- so it wasn't an easy task to sit down and clear my head last night

1. Amidst the anger and frustration, I kept my cool in what was one of my most challenging moments as a parent.  I didn't yell, didn't lash out with over-exaggerated punishments to reflect MY anger; my response was calm, yet firm



2. I have a friend who "gets" it.  She understands what so many other people don't. When everything looks so polite and well-mannered on the outside, anger and ugliness can still lurk within -- sometimes explaining that to people is tough because all they ever see is the good, they can't imagine the bad.  It's wonderful to have someone who doesn't need an explanation.  To have someone who reminds me that I can do this.



3. We avoided the pre-dinner whirlwind of chaos that occurs when I'm simultaneously trying to get dinner finished, supervising toy clean-up and table setting and tending to a fussy baby.  Foresight on my part meant homemade chicken noodle soup (crockpot), fresh baked bread and warm brownies for dinner.  All ready to set on the table at 6pm with little work in the hour beforehand.

Being Thankful

A few years ago, upon the recommendation of my therapist, I started a "gratitude journal".  At the end of the day I would take a few minutes and write down 3 things that had happened that day I was thankful for.  The purpose was to help me focus on the things that were good in my day, instead of dwelling on the bad.

Following suit with most of my journaling endeavors, I kept up with it for a couple of months and then as life turned around it fell to the wayside.  My little one brought it to me this morning, urging me to "read, momma, read".  

As she gleefully jumped on my bed I thumbed through the pages, letting my heart absorb the words scrawled across the the paper.  I realized how important that time really was to my day -- not only to give me a chance to decompress from the chaos of life but to sit and express gratitude for the blessings I had been given, and often quick to overlook.  I realized that I need to find that time again amidst the craziness. 

I need to MAKE that time again.

These Moments

Every once in a while, I catch moments like this amongst the chaos.  I feel the tears stinging my eyes; my heart overcome with a love I never imagined.  

Decisions in Parenting

Parenting is a series of decisions.  Making choices that are right for the child, right for the family as a whole.  Some of these decisions are ones that can be made quickly and others take much more time.  We have to mull them around for a bit, bouncing around different scenarios in our brain until we find the one that feels right in our conscience.

Even before I had children, I knew the likelihood of my kids being strong-willed, opinionated or stubborn would be quite high.  With the genetic combination of this set of parents it would be nearly impossible to avoid any of those traits.  But my hope was that this personality attributes would come together to create teenagers, and adults at some point in time, that would be steadfast in their decisions, unfaltering to the peer pressure of others.  That when they said "no" to something, they'd stand  behind their choice.

I also knew that making decisions about parenting strong-willed, opinionated, stubborn children wouldn't come easy.  That there would be many sleepless nights spent weighing the pros and cons of decisions, trying to figure out the best path for them.  Naively I believed we wouldn't face these hard decisions until we were facing teenager years, or at least the pre-teen era.

Now I sit and face some tough decisions.  Decisions I never anticipated having to make.  Ones that I had hoped we'd never even have to think about.  By now I should know that life will throw very unexpected situations at us, keeping us on our toes at all times.

These decisions cause me to sit and question my parenting, the choices I've made up to this point.  Are we in this place now because of something we did wrong in the past?  Could I have done something different as a mom?  

I know that I need to stop doing that; I need to believe in myself and my parenting abilities.  At the end of the day, whether or not others believe it, I need to remember that I am a good parent and I am doing a good job.

I'm not at a place where I can openly talk about what's going on.  Maybe that time will be soon, maybe it won't.  But until that times comes I need to use this place as a sounding board, albeit filled with vagueness.

The Difference a Day Makes

Yesterday, I followed my gut and chose to not follow a recommendation given to me.  The recommendation didn't feel right for me; it didn't feel right for us.  Instead I went in a different direction and this new direction felt right.  I felt hopeful about the prospects it presented; I felt empowered in the situation for the first time in months.

Today my gut was telling me to yet again not follow a recommendation from this same individual.  But instead of feeling empowered and hopeful by going my own direction, I'm feeling conflicted and defeated. Is this because of the face to face confrontation involved?  The need to justify my decision in explicit detail?  Or is it something bigger?  

Part of me wonders if I'm making a pragmatic decision, or if I'm letting preconceived notions guide my thoughts today.

I wish for the clarity yesterday brought.  Doubting one's self is tough.

From Two to Three

Before Baby Boy was born, people kept asking me if I was ready for three kids.  I heard story after story about how the transition from 1 to 2 was so much more difficult than from 2 to 3.  Eight weeks into the chaos and I totally call B.S. on that.  The transition when baby #2 was born was hands down easier than what this has been.

Maybe it's because baby #2 came after all of the birthday/holiday craziness (she was the New Year's baby).  Maybe it's because we only had an older child (KT was 4) to bring baby sister home to.  Maybe it's because we've battled round after round after round of sickness in our house since the day before I had the little guy.

I don't know the reason specifically but I imagine it's a combination of all of the above, with a couple of extra factors tossed in for fun.  All I know for sure is that I feel like I'm treading water.  Barely keeping afloat and looking to cling onto anything that will help buoy me along, allowing me to rest my weary arms and legs, if only for a few minutes at a time.

I'm exhausted.  Trying to find the time and energy to keep my family fed, their clothes clean and myself showered.  Any projects I'd hope to accomplish during this time are piled in a heap on my sewing table.  My goal was to reopen the shop the beginning of January and I'm not sure where or how I'll find the time to sew stuff for customers.

Maybe after all the Christmas decorations are packed away in their boxes, the last slice of birthday cake is eaten and all the gifts have found homes within the confines of our tiny house, things will start to fall into place.  I'm hoping that's the case.

Multitasking

I knew the transition to life with 3 kids wasn't going to be without challenges.  But I didn't expect to tackle it with a nasty stomach bug running through our house.

Today, being a Mom in this household means simultaneously holding the hair and/or rubbing the back of a six year old as she pukes, keeping an almost two year old in a time-out for spitting at me and nursing an infant.

Chaos?

Without a doubt.