Going by so fast

It's hard for me to believe that 7 weeks ago I got that positive pregnancy test. Only now is it really starting to sink in. I know that I've been really quiet about a lot of things and many have voiced their concern. {You know who you are, Grandma. ;) } Honestly, it's really been for a couple of reasons.

Obviously the first reason is that it's really hard for me to get excited. After being knocked on my butt twice last year it's much easier to not get excited and then be pleasantly surprised when things turn out well. I know that I need to change this attitude. I promise that I'm trying to, it's happening a little bit at a time.

The second reason too is that even though this pregnancy is a huge part of my life right now, it's not the only part. I want to be able to have real conversations with people. Talk about things other than the baby. My job still sucks, the weather continues to change, and my dear husband will probably always do stupid things like try to burn the kitchen down.

I'm not sure how the third reason stacks up compared to the other two but it's important to me. I have incredible friends that are either struggling to get pregnant, struggling to stay pregnant or dealing with the fact that they'll never be able to be pregnant again. Not one of them has said anything negative to me and I know that they are incredibly happy. But I know how hard it is to be on the other side sometimes. How difficult it is to listen to pregnancy joys and woes even though you are happy. So I'm trying to be careful of their feelings.

It's a fine line somedays. Trying to stay optimistic; trying to not let it overtake your being; trying to be courteous of friends. But it's a line that I'm walking, hand in hand with great people.

A calming feeling

Today is graduation here in Provo for the seniors at Brigham Young University. Finals ended on Wednesday and everything is now wrapping up for the semester.

Woohoo for those of us who live in this town year round! Summer sessions start next week and housing contracts are ending, which means the students not sticking around for summer classes will be gone by the end of next week at the latest.

This is horrible to say, but the end of April is one of my favorite times of year around here. Traffic on the streets decreases considerably. That in itself is a wonderful aspect of summer as many of the student drivers are horrible. You can actually decide at the last minute to go out to dinner on the weekend and be seated within 10 minutes. When students are here, Friday and Saturday nights are incredibly busy as everyone goes out on "date nights". On average you can easily wait an hour for a table at a restaurant. And movies--that's the best part! 10 minutes before a show starts you can actually walk into the theatre, buy tickets and find seats. Ahhh, I love summer.

I could never understand why the permanent residents of East Lansing looked forward to the MSU students leaving for the summer. Now that I'm a permanent resident somewhere, I totally understand.

So congrats to the new BYU grads and I bid a fair adieu to those leaving for the summer. I can already feel the calmer atmosphere settling in for the season.

The Winds of Change

For the longest time there has been a high pressure front over Utah. The constant, never-changing, same old same old that causes life to just drift by with little differentiation from day to day. Every day I get up and greeted by the same conditions. Things are nice, mild, pleasant.

Have you ever noticed that just before a storm the air smells differently? It's almost metallic, catching in the back of your throat. A silent preparation for what lies ahead.

Today the air is smelling differently. Perhaps the winds of change are about to blow.




Hopefully I'm still standing when this storm passes.



(Those who are psychic and may know what lies ahead, please don't ruin the surprise.)

Just a fly by post...

My IV is just about to finish for the night, but I wanted to get on really quick and let everyone know that I'm okay. We're still adjusting to this new "adventure" in our lives but it's getting easier with every passing day. Plus, the home health care sent me a pump for the IV and we're learning how to use it tomorrow. Hopefully that means I won't be walking around with this pole for 6 hours a night, freeing up some time to get on here more often.

Thanks to everyone for the support and well wishes. It's great to know that so many people are out there, pulling for us right now.

Strange Coincidence

Yesterday just after lunch I had an anonymous comment posted. A woman had stumbled across my blog and was commenting on the 24/7 morning sickness and her own experience. She talked about how she was sick enough that she was put on pic-line IV fluids and ran through the gamut of anti-nausea medication, trying to find relief.

So why is that strange?

Because at just about that time I was about 80% of the way through a liter of solution the nurse was pumping into me via IV. THROUGH MY NEW PICC-LINE.

Yup. My very own PICC-line. I now have my own personal IV port and a small pharmacy in our spare bedroom. I dread the bills that will be coming in the mail in the next few weeks. But I do find some solace in the fact that by the time I'm ready to go into labor I will have met my annual out of pocket maximum and will have my labor and delivery covered 100%. That will be nice.

So today we start this new adventure. I'm to receive two liters of fluid per day through the IV as well as a new anti-nausea medication. The nurse recommended that I do one liter in the morning before work and the second when we get home. Which will probably mean setting the alarm for 4am so we can start the drip and then go back to sleep. I'm not sure how long that will last in all honesty but it's the best option we have. Hard to do it any other way when I have to be to work at 8am.

This whole process is getting very exhausting. I told C today that this very well might be our only child because I don't know if I could go through all of this a second time. People always say that once your baby is born you forget about your pregnancy woes. This one, might be tough to swallow.

I should have kept my mouth shut

Go figure. Last night I told you how I've felt decent since starting the anti-nausea meds. I'd actually felt human again, able to function. Able to maintain some semblance of normalcy.

Stupid.

Stupid.

Stupid.

It's as though the bottle of pills read my post and is now mocking me. Making me pay retribution for feeling so well and being optimistic that I'd make it through. I've been running back and forth to the bathroom all morning. Slugging Gatorade in between trips, hoping to avoid a second trip to the ER this week.

And for the record. Very few things suck worse than being sick in a public bathroom at work. Especially when you're still trying to keep your pregnancy secretive and every time your stomach heaves you break out in a cold sweat because you imagine that everyone in the building is laughing at you. Knowing full well that you're trying, albeit unsuccessfully, to keep a secret.

The Silence is Deafening

Every once in a while it seems as though the blogger world lapses into a semi-catatonic state. Everyone gets very quiet and new posts slow to a grinding halt. Seems as though we've all fallen into that state lately. Day after day I click through my "regular" hangouts and am welcomed by the same words. Hopefully it just means that our lives are busy, our days are demanding, taking up our free minutes and turning them into something memorable.

In my case, I'm just semi-catatonic.

I've been trying my hardest to bite my lip and keep my thoughts/comments to myself. And in all honesty I've been trying my hardest just to find the energy and motivation to lurch my sorry butt up off of the couch.

When you struggle with infertility every complaint by a pregnant woman feels like a slap in the face. We all know the type I'm talking about. The ones who complain about how tired they are, how sick they are, how fat they are, etc. You'd just like to scream at them to be grateful that they're pregnant because you'd give anything to be having the symptoms they're having. Because it would mean that you are pregnant.

The last week has been incredibly difficult for me. I've been so incredibly tired that I all I want to do is sleep after working from eight to five everyday. I'm either ravenously hungry or the mere though of food makes me want to puke. The fatigue and hunger issues I could handle. The 24-hour a day morning sickness, was a new opponent I had yet to face.

All day nausea kicked in last Friday and lingered like the smell of fried fish in a Knights of Columbus Hall. (Yuck, why do I write stuff like that??) I tired the whole gamut -- Sea Bands, Unisom, B-6, gingerale, saltines. Which by the way, my little sister totally rocks and sent me Vernors to help calm my stomach. Nothing worked. AT ALL. By Monday afternoon I couldn't even keep water down so I broke down and called my OB's office. The nurse recommended I go immediately to the ER and get some IV fluids. So C and I frantically shuffled our schedules around and headed off to the hospital. They pumped me full of fluids and anti-nausea meds and gave me a prescription for phenergan. Fortunately I haven't been sick since then. The general queasiness doesn't fade completely but at least I can function at my job now and can hold a conversation with my husband at night without walking away midsentence to lock myself in the bathroom.

Here in lies my dilemma. I guess if you want to call it a dilemma. I haven't felt like posting at all because of how I've been feeling. Truth to told as well, there is so little else going on in my life right now that I don't have anything else to post about. I get up, get ready for work, go to work, come home, get my shot, eat dinner, go to bed, repeat. But the nitty gritty of the situation is that I feel horrible even sitting here writing this. I don't want to be one of those pregnant girls. The one you just want to reach across the table and slap silly.

I am incredibly grateful that I'm pregnant and I'm so thankful that everything seems to be going so well so far, all things considered. Unfortunately there are times where all I want to do is cry on C's shoulder because of how I feel. I want to cry because I'm not strong enough to handle this without saying a word. I want to cry because I feel stupid for complaining when so many others would give anything they have to be in my position.

So for those of you who live in close proximity, feel free to slap me the next time you see me. Or send one through cyber space.

And for all of you who have been so quiet lately, I hope things are alright in your world.

When the going gets tough...

This last week has been difficult for me. I've tried my hardest to stay positive and to think "good thoughts" but somewhere along the line I failed miserably. I turned into a scared, nervous wreck. When I was pregnant last spring, about this same time (gestation-wise) I began spotting. My obstetrician said that it was nothing to be concerned about and didn't warrant an ultrasound. A couple of days later I ended up in the ER and discovered there was no heartbeat. I miscarried shortly therafter. As much as my gut has been telling me this time is different I found myself doubting everything because of the events of the last year. So in order to spare everyone my anxiety and nervousness, I've just kept myself locked up, emotionally.

This morning was our viability ultrasound with Dr. DoNothing. I appreciate it tremendously that he didn't once mention how frustrated I was with him when he told me to try to get pregnant "naturally" for six month. I didn't want to admit that perhaps he really knew what he was talking about--although I do admit it, to myself.

I was mentally prepared for the worst. Fortunately for us as soon as the doctor had the probe in place the "blob" on the screen began to pulse, showing us the most miraculous sight. Suprisingly enough I didn't even cry. But instead smiled and held C's hand, knowing that this time is going to work.

We're not "out of the woods" yet but Dr. DoNothing said the chances of "something" happening now are less than 10%. I'm to continue the progesterone shots through the end of the first trimester and bring our beautiful baby to their office when the time comes.

Our Baby. I like the sound of that.

For today's effort, I deserve some ice cream

I casually glanced over the daily shot of progesterone I'm being given when I announced to you that I am pregnant. Partially because I was still in denial myself. Partially because I was hoping that maybe my doctor would call one day and say, "hey, why don't you just quit taking the progesterone".

Obviously the doctor's office hasn't called renouncing us of our daily, after-work ritual.

I give C a ton of credit though. He's horribly afraid of needles and has done an amazing job so far. Minus the one incident last week where we both ended up in tears (he jabbed, I cried, he pulled the needle out, I cried again and then got really mad because I had to be jabbed again). The process has become less intimidating over the past two weeks but it's still rather painful. We alternate "sides" every day but the 48 hour interval doesn't give the muscle much time to heal between injections. But deep down I'd much rather be on the receiving end than the giving end.

Today, unfortunately, I got the short end of the stick. Both of them.

C found out yesterday afternoon that he had to travel today for work. Meaning that either I had to find someone to pinch-hit for him today or I'd be wielding that 22 gauge needle myself. Considering I have very few close friends out here and even fewer that I'm comfortable enough with to expose my butt cheeks to, all day long I dreaded coming home by myself. I knew what sat on the bathroom sink waiting for me.

I got everything prepped just the way C does it. Even turned the tv on in the bedroom for some background noise. I grabbed a hunk of flab on the outside of my upper thigh and broke out in a cold sweat. I couldn't bring myself to "jab" the needle the way the nurse taught us so I placed it against the hunk of flab and "pushed" it through the surface. It hurt no worse than plucking a stray eyebrow. I then managed to push the needle all the way in and slowly (like molasses in January slowly) oozed the gunk into my leg.

For that, I deserve some ice cream!

Still don't know if I could do this by myself every day, but at least I know that if I get in a tight spot, I have a back up plan.

A story for the ages (Final part)

After we returned from Kathmandu the last few weeks of the study abroad were somewhat of a blur. Obviously C and I spent a ton of time together, just about every free second. It didn't take too long for the rest of the group to figure out what was going on. Most people were okay with it, although a couple knew Kyle and kept hinting they were going to e-mail him and break the news. I had made the decision that I would wait until I was back in Michigan to tell him. I still believed that he deserved a face to face conversation.

Somewhere in the midst of the last couple of weeks, C told me that he loved me. We were sitting up on the roof of my house just as the sun was setting. He pulled out his journal and began reading this incredible poem that he had written. (Yeah, he used to be that sentimental.) At the end he looked me in eyes, told me he loved me and said that f we never spent another day together once we were back in Michigan, he'd still consider the trip the most incredible experience of his life. Without a doubt I knew that we'd be together when all was said and done.

We flew back to Michigan on Good Friday of 1999. My family, Kyle and my best friend Jenn were all at the airport to greet me. I cried almost the whole flight from Newark to Detroit, scared of what I had to face when I got off the place. Deep down inside I was terrified that Kyle would ask me right there in the airport to marry him. Thankfully, he didn't.

Against my better judgment, I didn't break up with Kyle over the weekend since it was Easter. I figured there would be plenty of time the week after. Late that night on Easter Sunday I drove back to Michigan State, to wrap up a paper from an independent study course. Partially, I was in a hurry to get closer to C and to spill the beans to Jenn. I knew that she was smart enough to start putting two and two together. More importantly I think I was trying to hide from the inevitable.

Early in that week I broke up with Kyle. It was ugly. I'm sure to this day he calls me every name in the book, with a few extra expletives thrown in for good measure. I chickened out somewhat, not telling him the full truth. I told him that my trip had shown me that we were too different, that it wouldn't work. I omitted the part about C, figured I didn't need to add insult to injury. I am honestly sorry that I hurt him the way I did. I never expected to go around the world and fall into the most incredible relationship. I had no intentions of doing so, it just happened.

There was one major problem that I've totally forgotten to mention. C graduated from MSU just a month after we returned from the trip. He had already accepted a job in Wisconsin with an incredible company and was scheduled to start working the beginning of June. I was planning on moving back to my mom's for the summer. It was an 8 hour drive from my mom's to where C was working! 8 hours! How were we going to handle the long distance "thing"? It wasn't going to be just for the summer either, when I went back to MSU it was still 5 hours away.

From there, life hit the fast-forward button (here's a recap to help put this all into perspective)

• January 15 1999 ~ Left Detroit.
• February 3 ~ Jack died.
• February 11 ~ Royal Chitwan National Park.
• March 4 ~ Kathmandu.
  
• April 2 ~ Came home.
• May 8 ~ Went with C to Wisconsin to see a friend graduate. He asks me to come with him to Wisconsin for the summer.
• June 1 ~ Moved to Wisconsin.
• August 1 ~ C asks me to stay in Wisconsin. I agree.
• August 19 ~ He asks me to marry him. I say yes.
• February 19 2000 ~ Wedding.

Yup, only 13 months from the start of our Nepal trip to our wedding date. My parents and friends freaked out when I told them we were getting married. I know that everyone thought we were crazy. I know they were concerned that we hadn't been together long, that I wouldn't finish school.
But here we are, 6 years later and going strong. Much stronger than we've ever been. We've had our bumps along the way but we've worked our way through them.

I'll never fully understand what led me to the Nepal trip. There was just always a mysterious intrigue about it. However, I'll never question what happened while I was there.