Six Divided by Three...

Means that within the next two weeks I'll have been unemployed in Idaho longer than I was employed in Idaho.

Six years ago Memorial Day weekend we made the almost-five hour drive from Provo to our new place of residency in Idaho.  Bringing with us two whiny dogs, the boat, all the stuff the movers wouldn't take and everything we thought we needed to survive the 4 days until we could get our stuff off the moving truck.  I was (fairly) newly pregnant, sicker than a dog (still), giddy about the prospect of using my degree for actual research work and optimistic about the new adventure we were about to begin.  The weekend was cold and rainy but we didn't let it dampen our spirits.

Three years ago I was entangled in a tornado or emotions greater than I'd ever known.  I'd busted my backside working on a last ditch effort of a grant proposal to keep myself employed.  We'd found out it hadn't been funded and I was waiting to hear when my last official day with the University would be.  I was devastated.  Completely and utterly knocked off my feet.  I knew I was bordering on some serious depression but didn't want to face it.  It was only a job; JUST a job.  But I dreaded what lay ahead -- being laid off, trying to find a job in my field, or any job that would pay enough to make it worthwhile to work, going through interviews, the thought of putting KT in daycare.  I wanted to crawl into bed, pull the covers up and sleep it all away like a bad dream.

We've come a long way in those three years.  A long way in the six, period, but the last three have been particularly trying.  

My vision was clouded at the time, my heart as heavy as stone but the lay-off turned out to be a blessing in disguise.  For months I'd been downplaying some physical symptoms that were creeping into my life.  Telling myself that I was just overworked and exhausted.  The layoff made me hit rock bottom and I hit hard.  I forced myself to find a counselor for therapy and a new physician for some meds to help me through.  Along with the meds came some medical testing and very unexpected news.  I trudged my way through the summer, fighting the depression, getting my life back on track and preparing for the scariest thing I'd ever faced.  Brain surgery.

I was lucky.

I lost my job.

I had successful brain surgery.

I started my own business.

I got pregnant again.

I got another PICC-line.

I had a(nother!) beautiful baby girl.

I was diagnosed with a heart condition days after her birth.

I worked tirelessly at getting my business to be successful. 

The blessings in my life are numerous.  Even though there are days where the clouds seem to linger a little longer than necessary, the sky dumps a little more moisture than we need, the sun doesn't shine as brightly as I'd hope, the wind blows a little too strong for my liking.  There are days where I get sad over the things I don't have, there are days I get mad over the things I don't have, there are days I get jealous over the things I don't have.  But at the end of the day I can't help but be grateful for what DO I have.

Especially because it took my world falling apart to get here.

I AM LUCKY.

Quiet

Things are busy here. 

Things are chaotic here. 

And I'm quiet.

Tantrum

Nothing major, but today is one of those days where I'd just like to lay on the floor and kick/scream like my small one.  Although it breaks my heart to see her mad like that (and sometimes it makes it me laugh) I imagine there's a huge sense of relief in just getting all of the frustration out.

I guess I just need to put my big girl pants on, pour myself another cup of coffee and face the day like a grown up.

It sounds so much nicer to throw the tantrum.

March Madness

So far, March isn't proving to be much better than February.  Which stinks.

We're still battling with the dumb furnace.  The repairman was out last week and I just put in another call this morning.  My fear was that the trouble I've noticed the last couple of days would escalate exponentially as soon as business hours sailed past us tonight.  And I really don't feel like paying for another weekend/emergency, service call.  I'm getting tired of the nonsense; hopefully today they can figure out exactly what's going on so we can either replace the damned thing or get it fixed for good.

Health concerns have now expanded to the dogs.  The vet is concerned about reflux with Dakota (hence him eating my afghan a month ago); we've also noticed random episodes where he seems to lose his balance and fall when he's standing up.  We've joked that perhaps he's narcoleptic but it's really starting to worry us.  They also think Logan is allergic to traditional dog food --battling yeast infections in his ears, a sign of food sensitivity-- and want us to switch to an "alternative protein" dog food.  The drawback is that a 25-pound bag of food is $50.  It's bad enough that we spend $40 on a 35-pound bag right now.

Thankfully the roof has been repaired and no leaking is apparent.  The dishwasher also ceased making it awful noises.  The gas gauge in my vehicle has worked consistently the last couple of weeks.

If we could get the furnace on track I'd feel much better.

Is It Over?

This month has been one thing after the other.

• The third bladder infection in three months. Possible concern regarding kidney problems.
• The gas gauge in my 4Runner intermittently works.
• My cell phone doesn't always send/receive text messages.  Apparently on it's own schedule.
• It also randomly loses email messages and/or deletes entire email accounts.
• I slipped and fell on a patch of ice, screwing up my back and ripping my go-to pair of jeans.
• The drain pipe for the washer broke on a Friday night, resulting in a flooded mechanical room and adjacent closet AND a Saturday service call for a plumber.
• Within hours of the plumber leaving, our furnace quit working.  Resulting in another Saturday service call and a new circuit board.
• While sequestered in the bedroom to avoid annoying the service guys, one dog chewed the corner off my 20 year old afghan.  Then puked for 3 days while C was out of town. 
• The carpet cleaning machine spewed dirty puke water all over my bathroom floor. 
• Both kids were sick.
• C was sick.
• Our babysitter bailed for our anniversary dinner, leaving me scrambling to find a new sitter.
• A factory reset of my phone wiped out business mileage I'd been tracking. That I was too exhausted to remember to back up before the reset. 
• A 60+mph wind storm blew shingles off the roof.
• The other dog cut his tongue and proceeded to lick himself bloody for hours on end. 
• The garbage disposal started making funny noises.
• My sewing machine randomly locks up and has to be completely shut down to get it to restart. 
• The kitchen aid mixer makes a metal-on-metal grinding noise when used and gets really hot to the touch.
• Seventeen days after the first service call, the furnace guy was back again. This time a bad thermostat, hopefully. Which could have been the reason for the bad board before (the ailing thermostat shorting the board).

I hope the door doesn't hit February on the ass, on its way out.  My luck I'd have to replace the stupid door.

Growing Up

There are days that I wonder, at what point in one's life, do you become too old to throw on a baseball cap in lieu of doing your hair?  

This week isn't going to be that week for me.

Looking Back

This time of year always makes me nostalgic -- it was about this time that I started my adventures in Nepal back in '99.  So when the day dawns on January 15th I try to take a few minutes to remember things I desperately want to hold on.  And I do the same every day for a week or so afterwards.  I'm fortunate that my best memory of my trip kisses me every day before he leaves for work, hugs me every day when he comes home and sits next to me at the dinner table every night.  But the other memories fade a little more as the time goes on.  Photos help -- bringing back the sights, sounds and smells that one will only understand if they step foot off an airplane in Kathmandu.  It saddens me though that the details continuously become more obscure.

Question of the Day

After what timeframe, if at all, does the presence of a shoe in the dryer with albeit clean, but wet, clothes change their status to dirty and demand a do-over?

Little girls about 12-months in age, make for the BEST laundry helpers.

Dietary Confessions

Somewhere after lunch today turned into the type of day I convince myself I'm okay with the number on the scale and the strength/tone of my body (which I'm really NOT) in lieu of finding the motivation to eat well and take care of myself.  

I'd like to transition into evening with a glass of wine and a bowl of popcorn.  The bigger, the better.  For both.

Please excuse me, I'm off to raid the pantry to see if anything even remotely resembles a cheeseburger.

My hope is that tomorrow is better.

The Beginning of the End

When both of my girls were born, I set a personal goal of being able to nurse them until their first birthday.  

With KT, we hit a horribly rough spot about 9months in and she self weaned.  Honestly, I'm not sure what came first, problems with my supply or her not wanting to nurse.  Whatever the case it came to an end much more quickly than I'd hoped for.

This time around we encountered some bumps along the road but we made it to Baby Girl's 1st birthday on Sunday.  There were days I wasn't sure we'd make it, but we did.  And as her birthday has come and gone, so begins the process of weaning.  She was only nursing twice a day and biting more often than getting any nourishment so the decision was made to taper off completely.  We've started dropping the session before bed and it's going well so far.

It's sad to see this part of our relationship come to an end but in the same breath I love watching her grow up.