Lessons from the Road

1. Changing tables are few and far between in certain stretches along I-80.  This includes places such as rest areas, gas stations AND restaurants.  When the temperature hovers in the single digits it doesn't allow one to lay a child on the seat and change a diaper while standing outside the car, leaned over said baby.  It causes one to come up with creative ways to change diapers.


2. When those temperatures continue to hover in the single digits, water pipes freeze at Wyoming rest areas.  With 20+ miles to the next exit with a gas station, 42 miles to the next rest area and a 2nd cup of coffee causing your bladder to utter curse words you take your chances with non-flushing toilets. Gross, but a necessity.


3. $4 pillows from Wal-Mart are a life saver when you log 4000 miles.  And you feel less guilty about it when you open the back door to the truck and they fall out onto the parking lot.


4. Tantrums are not only for children.


5. With two small, impressionable children in the backseat and thousands of asshats pulling asshat-like driving maneuvers in front of you on the interstate, you come up with creative ways to curse at them.  Like calling them portholes.


6. Breaking stuff is a gift children and dogs demonstrate.  Even if you don't think it's possible for them to reach it or cause any damage to it, they will.  Quickly too.  Houseplants and baby gates seem to be highly favored items to destroy.


7. Five year olds can get tired of fast food chicken nuggets.  Almost unimaginable, I know.


8. One who thinks it's a good idea to give a 5-year old a bag of marbles while in the truck should not be allowed to get mad and yell when said marble bag gets dumped.  Especially when the dumping is accidental.  It does however cause other occupants of the vehicle to laugh at the creative ways implemented to prevent marbles from spilling out into parking lots when doors are opened.


9. If you find yourself with 5 bottles of Michigan wine and 4, 6-packs of Michigan brewed beer in your cart at Wal-Mart throw a couple of bags of chips in with your alcohol.  Other shoppers will look at you as though you have a problem but you'll fool yourself into thinking otherwise.


10. Upon waking from a nap, don't ask why the driver is waving an open pack of gum around.  Please, just don't ask.  Just pray you never experience it.


11. After 20ish years, one can still remember the words to the most popular song played at 8th grade dances.  Thank you, Extreme, for those eternally ingrained lyrics.


12. Two adults, two small children and 2 fifty-pound dogs in a small hotel room makes for a tight space.  Add in a pack 'n play, two dog kennels, 3 suitcases, 2 computer cases, 1 camera case, 3 rubbermaid storage containers, a small wooden rocking chair, 1 diaper bag, 1 preschool backpack and 2 boxes of childhood momentos and that tight space becomes suffocating.  Mix with exhaustion, impatience and restlessness and everyone is *almost* grateful to get back in the truck when the interstate reopens.


13. Dogs, albeit man's best friend, may not always appreciate thoughtful gestures.  When the forecast is calling for single digit, if not negative, temperatures please refrain from taking your beloved sweatshirt and putting it on a pet.  If you chose not to refrain, don't be surprised at the next gas station when you find the dog has escaped from your generosity AND chewed some air conditioning vents in it for you.  Those holes can not be fixed.  Add another $25 to your trip tally.  And once again, be prepared for other occupants of the vehicle to laugh.


14. My husband is still the most awesome person to road trip with. I may get frustrated with his antics, his vocabulary, his grumpiness and his desire to listen to NPR at 1am but he keeps me sane and he makes me laugh.  Oh, does he make me laugh.  Sometimes it's with him; sometimes it's at him.  No matter the case, it reminds me why I fell in love with him almost 13 years ago and why I still love him more than words. (Yeah, you guessed the song right.  And no, I don't feel badly that it's now streaming through your head. I can't hear you cursing at me over the volume of the verses blaring in my skull.)