May 31, 2012

Six Divided by Three...

Means that within the next two weeks I'll have been unemployed in Idaho longer than I was employed in Idaho.

Six years ago Memorial Day weekend we made the almost-five hour drive from Provo to our new place of residency in Idaho.  Bringing with us two whiny dogs, the boat, all the stuff the movers wouldn't take and everything we thought we needed to survive the 4 days until we could get our stuff off the moving truck.  I was (fairly) newly pregnant, sicker than a dog (still), giddy about the prospect of using my degree for actual research work and optimistic about the new adventure we were about to begin.  The weekend was cold and rainy but we didn't let it dampen our spirits.

Three years ago I was entangled in a tornado or emotions greater than I'd ever known.  I'd busted my backside working on a last ditch effort of a grant proposal to keep myself employed.  We'd found out it hadn't been funded and I was waiting to hear when my last official day with the University would be.  I was devastated.  Completely and utterly knocked off my feet.  I knew I was bordering on some serious depression but didn't want to face it.  It was only a job; JUST a job.  But I dreaded what lay ahead -- being laid off, trying to find a job in my field, or any job that would pay enough to make it worthwhile to work, going through interviews, the thought of putting KT in daycare.  I wanted to crawl into bed, pull the covers up and sleep it all away like a bad dream.

We've come a long way in those three years.  A long way in the six, period, but the last three have been particularly trying.  

My vision was clouded at the time, my heart as heavy as stone but the lay-off turned out to be a blessing in disguise.  For months I'd been downplaying some physical symptoms that were creeping into my life.  Telling myself that I was just overworked and exhausted.  The layoff made me hit rock bottom and I hit hard.  I forced myself to find a counselor for therapy and a new physician for some meds to help me through.  Along with the meds came some medical testing and very unexpected news.  I trudged my way through the summer, fighting the depression, getting my life back on track and preparing for the scariest thing I'd ever faced.  Brain surgery.

I was lucky.

I lost my job.
I had successful brain surgery.
I started my own business.
I got pregnant again.
I got another PICC-line.
I had a(nother!) beautiful baby girl.
I was diagnosed with a heart condition days after her birth.
I worked tirelessly at getting my business to be successful. 

The blessings in my life are numerous.  Even though there are days where the clouds seem to linger a little longer than necessary, the sky dumps a little more moisture than we need, the sun doesn't shine as brightly as I'd hope, the wind blows a little too strong for my liking.  There are days where I get sad over the things I don't have, there are days I get mad over the things I don't have, there are days I get jealous over the things I don't have.  But at the end of the day I can't help but be grateful for what DO I have.

Especially because it took my world falling apart to get here.


May 8, 2012


Things are busy here. 

Things are chaotic here. 

And I'm quiet.