January 25, 2013

Decisions in Parenting

Parenting is a series of decisions.  Making choices that are right for the child, right for the family as a whole.  Some of these decisions are ones that can be made quickly and others take much more time.  We have to mull them around for a bit, bouncing around different scenarios in our brain until we find the one that feels right in our conscience.

Even before I had children, I knew the likelihood of my kids being strong-willed, opinionated or stubborn would be quite high.  With the genetic combination of this set of parents it would be nearly impossible to avoid any of those traits.  But my hope was that this personality attributes would come together to create teenagers, and adults at some point in time, that would be steadfast in their decisions, unfaltering to the peer pressure of others.  That when they said "no" to something, they'd stand  behind their choice.

I also knew that making decisions about parenting strong-willed, opinionated, stubborn children wouldn't come easy.  That there would be many sleepless nights spent weighing the pros and cons of decisions, trying to figure out the best path for them.  Naively I believed we wouldn't face these hard decisions until we were facing teenager years, or at least the pre-teen era.

Now I sit and face some tough decisions.  Decisions I never anticipated having to make.  Ones that I had hoped we'd never even have to think about.  By now I should know that life will throw very unexpected situations at us, keeping us on our toes at all times.

These decisions cause me to sit and question my parenting, the choices I've made up to this point.  Are we in this place now because of something we did wrong in the past?  Could I have done something different as a mom?  

I know that I need to stop doing that; I need to believe in myself and my parenting abilities.  At the end of the day, whether or not others believe it, I need to remember that I am a good parent and I am doing a good job.

I'm not at a place where I can openly talk about what's going on.  Maybe that time will be soon, maybe it won't.  But until that times comes I need to use this place as a sounding board, albeit filled with vagueness.

January 24, 2013

The Difference a Day Makes

Yesterday, I followed my gut and chose to not follow a recommendation given to me.  The recommendation didn't feel right for me; it didn't feel right for us.  Instead I went in a different direction and this new direction felt right.  I felt hopeful about the prospects it presented; I felt empowered in the situation for the first time in months.

Today my gut was telling me to yet again not follow a recommendation from this same individual.  But instead of feeling empowered and hopeful by going my own direction, I'm feeling conflicted and defeated. Is this because of the face to face confrontation involved?  The need to justify my decision in explicit detail?  Or is it something bigger?  

Part of me wonders if I'm making a pragmatic decision, or if I'm letting preconceived notions guide my thoughts today.

I wish for the clarity yesterday brought.  Doubting one's self is tough.