It's Been One Week

First of all, I'd like to thank everyone for the support -- the emails, the phone calls, the text messages, the blog comments, the posts on Faceb00k -- it means a lot to see that kind of empathy from people.

I still have no idea when my final date of employment is. I still am not entirely sure what I'm going to do after this gig is up. I've been weighing my options, looking at our budget and trying to figure out what works best for us as a whole.

I know that it will all work out, somehow, someway. Last week my emotions were a little too raw to be able to handle that sentiment. This week the wound has healed slightly and I'm not freaking out as badly.

Thankfully.

It's Official

My time with the University will draw to a close in the near future. Now I need to figure out what the next step in this journey is.

I've Got Nothing

It's been an exhausting week. No news, yet.

A friend mentioned today that sometimes the not knowing is more difficult to handle than knowing, no matter what the outcome. At least then you can plan a course of action. I think she hit the nail on the head.

My gut is saying the grant didn't get funded. Too bad my gut is also saying it needs more antacids as my reflux is flaring.

And yes. It's almost 2am (mountain time) and I'm still awake.

Did I say it's been an exhausting week?

National Fibromyalgia Awareness Day

Fibromyalgia (pronounced fy-bro-my-AL-ja) is a common and complex chronic pain disorder that affects people physically, mentally and socially. Fibromyalgia is a syndrome rather than a disease. Unlike a disease, which is a medical condition with a specific cause or causes and recognizable signs and symptoms, a syndrome is a collection of signs, symptoms, and medical problems that tend to occur together but are not related to a specific, identifiable cause.

Fibromyalgia, which has also been referred to as fibromyalgia syndrome, fibromyositis and fibrositis, is characterized by chronic widespread pain, multiple tender points, abnormal pain processing, sleep disturbances, fatigue and often psychological distress. For those with severe symptoms, fibromyalgia can be extremely debilitating and interfere with basic daily activities.

Fibromyalgia is one of the most common chronic pain conditions. The disorder affects an estimated 10 million people in the U.S. and an estimated 3-6% of the world population. While it is most prevalent in women —75-90 percent of the people who have FM are women —it also occurs in men and children of all ethnic groups. The disorder is often seen in families, among siblings or mothers and their children. The diagnosis is usually made between the ages of 20 to 50 years, but the incidence rises with age so that by age 80, approximately 8% of adults meet the American College of Rheumatology classification of fibromyalgia.

(Taken from pages off of the National Fibromyalgia Awareness website.)

My mom was diagnosed with fibromyalgia in early 2007; I also have a very close friend battling the syndrome as well. So for me, this is something that hits too close to home. Currently there is no cure. I pray that with increased awareness and increased research science may either develop more effective treatments or at some point, a way to cure people of this affliction.

No News

I'd hope that means good news, but in the world of government sponsored grants, you never know. The only thing you can count on is the clarify of their "no" when they tell you your proposal isn't going to be funded.

I was told we'd have an announcement by today. After the close of business (EST) this afternoon I spoke with the contact person for the proposal and she hadn't heard anything yet.

I'm still not handling the wait well but am trying to think about it less. Whether or not I'm succeeding at that remains to be seen.

Maybe tomorrow holds some answers.

One can hope, huh?

Trying to Find Balance

When C and I moved in together, we agreed that we would try to maintain some sense of our individuality even though we were becoming "us". That we would take time for ourselves; that we would retain some semblance of "C" and "A" even after we merged as one.

10 years later I will admit that I am struggling with this.

C hunts. No flames on this please, it puts food in our freezer for a substantially less cost than buying meat at the grocery store. I'm grateful for what he does bring home.

Over the last 2 years though, I'm becoming increasingly resentful of the time he takes to pursue this venture. It wouldn't be so bad if he chose to go after a single game animal a year. A 200+ pound cow elk easily puts over 100 pounds of usable meat in our freezer for a $30 tag. I hate to bring up issues with this because of the cost efficiency. Having a freezer full of meat makes my life so much easier.

But then we (translate to read, "HE") need[s] to schedule goose hunting. Then duck hunting. Then turkey season. As he takes phone calls and makes plans to go out for the ENTIRE.DAY to hunt I feel my blood pressure rise. I feel the resentment burn in the back of my throat.

Don't get me wrong, I am incredibly grateful for the opportunity to work at home. I love that I can be with KT all day long every weekday. It comes with challenges though. I put up the the tantrums, hitting/biting and struggles from 9am until 6pm everyday -- C puts up with it from 6pm until bedtimes (8:30 pm usually). I look forward to hearing the garage door open when he gets home; I look forward to the weekends when he's here to help with her. I need the time to reset my sanity so that I don't completely snap Monday through Friday. I will openly admit that I struggle as a parent, that I desperately need him to help me do this correctly.

When he hunts though, I feel like my workweek is extended. My typical M-F schedule extends into Saturday and Sunday. I don't get the chance to sleep in; I don't get the chance to reset my attitude. I'm "on" all the time -- the weekends are a nice break to feel like I have an extra set of hands to help with the meals, the tantrums, the potty breaks and the challenges.

He works hard. Part of me wants him to have time to himself, so that he remembers who he is and can relax and be 100% when I need him. But part of me is so incredibly resentful. He just makes plans and goes. One weekend here and there wouldn't be a big deal, but the continued hunting weekends are adding up. My frustration is building. I don't know how to approach it without sounding like a mega bitch that doesn't want to let him do the things he wants to do.

So how do I handle it? I've had friends tell me that he's lucky he gets to go at all now that KT is here. That they wouldn't allow their husbands to do such things. But I don't want him to resent me and the family we've built. I want him to still have hobbies and interests. I just need him to be more considerate of the things he does and how they affect everyone else in this household.

Am I totally off base? Should I just shut my mouth and let him do what he wants? How do other moms handle it when their spouse wants to still carry on as though they have no parental obligations?

Being an adult is tough. There are many days where I ponder why we are all in such a rush to get older. I miss the carefree days of my youth.

Some of the Weirdness

My brain works in funny ways. When I'm mad or restless I clean. I've always been that way and I don't even realize what I'm doing until I'm about 60% done with whatever I'm tackling.

C used to laugh at me when I was in grad school -- before I could sit down to work on any big project I'd go through and clean the house first. Now he's learned to get out of my way when I go on cleaning spree now (typically because I'm frustrated with him over something.)

I guess it's how I release pent up energy.

But to give you an idea of how my mind jumps from task to task, and something simple snowballs into a huge project, let me recap an incident that happened yesterday.

1. It all started with something as innocent as emptying the clean dishes out of the dishwasher. As I was doing that, I realized that the drain rack in the sink hadn't been emptied for days.
   
2. So all of those dishes got put away. After the clean dishes were out of the sink I realized how incredibly dirty the sinks were.
   
3. Out came the c0met and the sinks were scrubbed. As I was scrubbing I looked up and noticed the layer of dirt on the horizontal blinds in the kitchen window.
4. Down came the blinds and into the bathtub they went. 10 minutes later and the blinds were clean and the air was heavy with the scent of PineS0l. While kneeling on the counter to get the blinds down, I got a good look at how dirty the window itself was.
5. As the blinds were drying, out came the window cleaner. I cleaned the glass on the window, the track where all of the dust accumulates and I wiped down everything that needed to go back on the window sill.

What started as emptying the dishwasher resulted in about 15 square feet of complete cleanliness in my kitchen.

You can shake your head and laugh. I will completely concede that I have a problem.

Patience is NOT My Strong Suit

We should know by the beginning of next week if the grant was approved for funding or not. The review committee met earlier this week and announcements were scheduled to be disbursed following the meeting. How long they take to get to us, I don't know. Whether they'll be electronic or a formal, written announcement, I don't know.

All I know is that this wait is torturous. If the grant is funded, my job is secure for 2 more years. If the grant isn't funded, my time with the University will quickly draw to a close. To say this announcement is paramount is an understatement.

I don't handle the unknown well.

My heart skips a beat every time I get a new email. I want to know but I'm afraid at the same time.

I'm restless.

I can't sleep.

I'm short tempered.

My mind wanders.

To put it mildly, I don't wait well. Big surprise, huh?

R.I.P. "Grandma" B

I got the phone call from my Dad about an hour ago. After almost a week, "Grandma" B passed in her home this morning, surrounded by family.

She was a wonderful woman, someone whom I'm grateful to have known. I will hold tightly to the cherished memories I have of her.

My thoughts and prayers go out to her immediately family during this time.

The Pain Lingers

May 1st is a difficult day for me. I can see it on the calendar any other day of the year and I'm okay, but on the day itself I struggle.

When I realize the day has come upon us, I feel the familiar burn of tears.

Throughout the day whenever I glance upon some reminder of the calendar my throat tightens and I momentarily lose track of my thought.

I see bits and pieces of that day interspersed in everything I do: telling C we needed to go to the hospital, the sterile smell of the hospital as we were taken back to an exam room, fighting over the insertion of a catheter for an ultrasound, the stupid layout of the ultrasound room, listening to the deadening click of the computer as the tech measured what he saw, watching the room blur as the doctor confirmed that I was measuring 3 weeks behind and maybe I had my dates wrong, riding home in silence, and lastly collapsing on the kitchen floor in sobs harder than I'd ever experienced as we listened to the message the doctor had left before we got home, confirming the miscarriage.

It hurts, still. More than I thought it would. After 4 years I guess I thought the pain would fade more than it has. On the surface, everything looks fine, it looks completely healed. As you peel back the healthy layers a wound lies deep below. Deep below what everyone can see on a daily basis; only noticeable when something strikes the area just perfectly.

I know that we wouldn't have KT if that pregnancy had been viable (or the one after it, for that matter). But even a beautiful daughter can't take the hurt away completely.

It's No Movie Premiere

When we lived in Utah, there was a fantastic Mexican restaurant we used to go to. The kind of place that was packed anytime you went there, even if at lunch on Tuesday. Food was made fresh as you ordered and you got a great amount for your money. Most of the time we ordered and took it home to avoid waiting for a table and being packed into a seating area like a herd of cows.

It is a chain restaurant and one of many locations in Utah, but they haven't made their way into Idaho. It was one of the few places that I miss restaurant-wise from there (Pier 49 Pizza being the only other). All of the times I was pregnant, it was one of the few cravings I would get early on when I was so sick. And surprisingly one of the few foods that I managed to keep down.

A little over a month ago we discovered they were building one here, way on the other side of town. I was beyond ecstatic! We've talked a handful of times about going once it opened and how excited I was to finally have a location here.

They've been open for a couple weeks now and we haven't made it over there to eat yet. My hope was that we'd go on a weeknight to avoid the craziness of weekend restaurant goers.

Through a sequence of events I'd rather not delve into (my husband wasn't being very nice), I discovered a charge on our debit card to said restaurant from earlier this week. I was crushed! Perhaps it sounds stupid but I was so excited about this place opening and for us to go. And then I find out that he went without me. To say I was disappointed would be an understatement.

After the initial shock and anger passed, I confronted him about it last night. His response, "it's not a movie premiere where I'll never want to see the movie again, I'll still want to go with you".

I know it's silly; it IS just a restaurant but I guess the biggest issue is that it's something that was important to me.

Men. They just don't get it sometimes, do they?