June 11, 2009

A Bit Melancholy

I really believe that friends come in/out of your life at specific times for important reasons. Sometimes they lend a shoulder to lean on in times of need; sometimes they serve as a source of humor on a glum day; sometimes they give you a reminder of a simpler time or another version of yourself that has faded.

I've had friendships wax and wane over the last 15 years. People that for one reason or another have come and gone from my life. As some friendships have fizzled I've let them burn out. Knowing that their caustic nature wasn't worth the stress they kindled. Some friendships didn't survive distance or changes in life such as marriage and kids. Trying to resurrect them seemed painful. There are friends that had brief prior interludes and have now come back incredibly strong, making me question why we weren't better friends before.

For the most part, I love it when friends from my past reappear in my life. I enjoy having the chance to reconnect and reminisce over memories created.

Many years ago I let a very important friendship drift away. A friendship that I held very dear to my heart; one that I stepped away from because of choices that the friend was making. The path he was taking was so different from what I knew he was capable of. It was one I couldn't walk with him. So I walked away.

Over the first few years people gave me updates. It allowed for a glimpse into his journey from a distance. It helped to ease the pain I carried from walking away. But it created pain too. As time went on his path didn't veer, it held steady to a course of destruction. I know the decisions were his to make but I felt sadness for him knowing his potential.

A few days ago, I connected with a family member of his online. It has dredged up many, many feelings. Memories of time spent together, laughter shared. Only now am I realizing how important he was to me and how much I valued his friendship. But I'm hesitant to call. Hesitant to touch base for reasons I can't figure out.

Uncertainty is hard for me.


Sami said...

Knowing who we're talking about helps... it saddens me too to hear of his current state... and to know he had so much potential that he let slip away just really bothers me and I wasn't even that close to him. I think you have to figure out what you want from the reconnection. To fix him? Well that probably isn't going to happen. To just let him know he has a friend- that'd be okay. You just kind of have to know what you're wanting from the reconnection. Whatever you choose to do know I'm here to listen with whatever you find out.

Susan said...

I think about this a lot too. I think people come into our lives when we need them. I am also a firm believer that as we change so does the relationship. Just remember that if you re-connect it won't be the same, and don't let it change the good memories you have.

Kristen said...

Sounds like a very difficult situation. I don't know the person or the situation but I know that you are not the kind of person to let someone go out of your life without cause. I hope you can figure out what to do without too much stress on you. ((HUGS))