November 18, 2008

Posting a Retraction

I feel like I should just walk away from this, but I can't. If this was a credible news source, would my last past be worthy of a retraction and apology?

I'm sorry if I offended people with my post. Honestly that was not the intention. I was trying to take the scrambled mess of thoughts in my brain and sort through them. Get them out of my head and into the open where they'd have room to separate and appear as single arguments instead of a wadded up mass of tangles.

I'm not sorry for what I said though. There are aspects of the last 3 years that I haven't blogged about. Words that I'd love to get out of my head and off my chest, but I can't figure out how to write down what I want to say. Infertility is a cruel mistress. Even when you find yourself out of her throes, she is intertwined in your being so deeply that you find pieces of her in unexpected places. Couple infertility with hypermesis and you have yourself a cocktail for serious mental anguish.

Does that mean that I need to talk to a therapist? Perhaps. I don't know. When I was battling depression in 2005 I struggled to find someone who I felt comfortable talking with. I'm afraid that trying to find someone this time would be even worse. This is so vastly different than your standard issue marital woes, or parenting troubles. It is something in which you have to find a perfect balance with the person you are talking to. Because of this, there are only a couple of people who I feel comfortable enough with to have the conversations.

I'm not ready right now for another child. Our life isn't ready right now for another child. I don't know if I'll ever be ready for another child. C wants more children though, at least one. I want more children too but I don't want to have to go through what I did to get KT.

I struggle because I see marriage as a partnership. I've compromised with him on many things to reach a decision we're both comfortable with. By me saying no more kids I feel as though I'm not compromising and being selfish, completely ignoring his wants. I was trying to get a feel for whether or not that selfishness was warranted. Or whether I was just being a brat and need to accommodate my husband more.

I guess that next time I air my dirty laundry I'll keep the bedroom door closed. Maybe some things are better left unsaid or at least spoken in close company over a beer at the kitchen table.


Susan said...

I want to say that your posts are totally justified. If you want to be completely honest about your feelings, so be it!
Your last post got me thinking - and no matter what MY opinion might be, it's good to get people thinking. :) There are not any right or wrong answers to the ponderings you had. Everyone has to live with choices they make in their life.
OK, I'll quit saying a lot about nothing. Keep up the posts, I love them.


DD said...

I don't know of any couple who are always in 100% agreement about the major decisions in life, especially children so don't consider your desires more selfish than his or vice versa. They are just different.

Yes, every pregnancy is different. How many times have you read about one pregnancy being great and the next was hell? On the other hand, yeah, some get the shit end of the stick and have crappy pregnancies each time. I'm not trying to scare you but to validate your concern, which is very, very real.

Do not think you have to retract what YOU are feeling. Just make sure you are having the same discussion with C. Maybe your paths will lead you to something you never considered (adoption, fostering or spoiling one child completely).

Sami said...

We've talked and you know my thoughts... sometimes people get offended. You are thick enough skinned to know that you can't please everyone 100% of the time and you'll just make yourself miserable trying. I think it was good to put out what you did. No retraction necessary. This is a place you should not have to censor yourself. Ultimately the conversation needs to be between you and C... and it sounds like you've made some headway in that direction. Know I'm here. Know I'm listening and will feel free to throw out assvice that you can take or leave at will. Hang in there dear friend.

Stinky said...

it's your blog Mandy...I like reading your posts, don't hold anything back just because of what some may say. If they don't like it, then they shouldn't be reading it! lol. Opps, my opinion!

Kristen said...

Retract NOTHING. You are honest and should never be faulted for that trait. Screw everyone else. :D

Shannie said...

I agree with the others...your blog hon so therefore your place to express how you are feeling.

Here are my two cents for whatever they might be worth.

I don't think we ever leave the throes of infertility...even when we get lucky enough to have children. I have two beautiful and healthy daughters after 12 years of ttc but I will always be infertile...I am simply an infertile mom. Only you know what you can handle. I know and understand that dark place all too well.

I'm sorry you were made to feel bad for expressing your feelings but that is your right on YOUR blog.



Kristin, Rod, and Victoria said...

I agree - this is your blog, and was created as your safe-haven for where you could express some of your feelings (somewhat) anonymously. It's your outlet and your escape and you shouldn't have to moderate/censor/apologize for your feelings, thoughts.

Sometimes when we post something in a public forum we get less-than-desirable responses, whether we want them or not. Maybe that's the downside of something that's not just an old fashioned keep-at-your-bedside-table journal.

Personally, as you and I had talked about before, I found the need to create an entirely anon. blog that none of my friends/family know about because I'm positive some of my thoughts would offend. But it's my place to put my thoughts in writing so I can see them.

Sometimes you post something and someone (ie: this ass) stupidly says something unintentionally hurtful. Unintentional or not, it still hurts.

Jessica said...

You shouldn't have to sensor yourself. I do agree and think that people do say stuff, thinking they are helping, and don't intentionally mean to be hurtful. You're entitled to say what you want on here, and if people don't like what they are reading, then they can either not comment, or just don't read it. But an anonymous blog just for personal thoughts is always helpful, I agree with Kristin. I've found that I can just write my thoughts without having to worry about who sees them. Sometimes I feel bad that I've had to do that, but it helps keep me sane, and lets me organize my thoughts.

Please know that I'm here to listen if you feel comfortable enough to talk to me about things. :)

Bryant and Candice said...

I think you are totally justified. Don't apologize. ITA with Susan. (((hugs)))

texicaligirl said...

i didn't read anything that would warrant a retraction. i don't know what went down.

but you should be able to post your thoughts here, period.

and, being the throes of infertility and hoping to start up IVF again myself...i read your post as being spot frickin' on.

i wonder if i'm being selfish because i just put us into debt that we don't need to be carrying right now when i'm freakin' unemployed - so that we can *maybe* have a child. but i had to do it.

dh and i had to have several discussions. everyone does. ok, no, not everyone. people who have sex and then accidentally get pg - i guess they don't. but there are plenty of us who are not in that category that understand the mental aspect of this journey.

blogging is cathartic AND we are here to support you in the process.

spill away. no apologies.


(ps - move to wordpress. you can make any post private IF YOU WANT TO. i don't think you've posted anything that is in need of privacy, but that is for you to decide.)

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