April 13, 2006

The Silence is Deafening

Every once in a while it seems as though the blogger world lapses into a semi-catatonic state. Everyone gets very quiet and new posts slow to a grinding halt. Seems as though we've all fallen into that state lately. Day after day I click through my "regular" hangouts and am welcomed by the same words. Hopefully it just means that our lives are busy, our days are demanding, taking up our free minutes and turning them into something memorable.

In my case, I'm just semi-catatonic.

I've been trying my hardest to bite my lip and keep my thoughts/comments to myself. And in all honesty I've been trying my hardest just to find the energy and motivation to lurch my sorry butt up off of the couch.

When you struggle with infertility every complaint by a pregnant woman feels like a slap in the face. We all know the type I'm talking about. The ones who complain about how tired they are, how sick they are, how fat they are, etc. You'd just like to scream at them to be grateful that they're pregnant because you'd give anything to be having the symptoms they're having. Because it would mean that you are pregnant.

The last week has been incredibly difficult for me. I've been so incredibly tired that I all I want to do is sleep after working from eight to five everyday. I'm either ravenously hungry or the mere though of food makes me want to puke. The fatigue and hunger issues I could handle. The 24-hour a day morning sickness, was a new opponent I had yet to face.

All day nausea kicked in last Friday and lingered like the smell of fried fish in a Knights of Columbus Hall. (Yuck, why do I write stuff like that??) I tired the whole gamut -- Sea Bands, Unisom, B-6, gingerale, saltines. Which by the way, my little sister totally rocks and sent me Vernors to help calm my stomach. Nothing worked. AT ALL. By Monday afternoon I couldn't even keep water down so I broke down and called my OB's office. The nurse recommended I go immediately to the ER and get some IV fluids. So C and I frantically shuffled our schedules around and headed off to the hospital. They pumped me full of fluids and anti-nausea meds and gave me a prescription for phenergan. Fortunately I haven't been sick since then. The general queasiness doesn't fade completely but at least I can function at my job now and can hold a conversation with my husband at night without walking away midsentence to lock myself in the bathroom.

Here in lies my dilemma. I guess if you want to call it a dilemma. I haven't felt like posting at all because of how I've been feeling. Truth to told as well, there is so little else going on in my life right now that I don't have anything else to post about. I get up, get ready for work, go to work, come home, get my shot, eat dinner, go to bed, repeat. But the nitty gritty of the situation is that I feel horrible even sitting here writing this. I don't want to be one of those pregnant girls. The one you just want to reach across the table and slap silly.

I am incredibly grateful that I'm pregnant and I'm so thankful that everything seems to be going so well so far, all things considered. Unfortunately there are times where all I want to do is cry on C's shoulder because of how I feel. I want to cry because I'm not strong enough to handle this without saying a word. I want to cry because I feel stupid for complaining when so many others would give anything they have to be in my position.

So for those of you who live in close proximity, feel free to slap me the next time you see me. Or send one through cyber space.

And for all of you who have been so quiet lately, I hope things are alright in your world.


JessandMatt said...

I'm glad you're feeling better, and things are looking more positive for you. Don't feel bad about the complaining. . I've done my fair share. . it's your turn now!

Beth said...

Glad you are at least not vomiting anymore - but darling, you have the right to complain. Infertility did not take that from you - hell, anyone would feel awful with constant nausea. It has been awfully quiet in the blogosphere lately.

Kristen said...

You will never, ever, ever be "one of those pg girls" to me. You have done the hard work, you know what it is like. You have EARNED the right to bitch a moan a little. Plus, it just gives those of us TTC a little forewarning of what we will be soon going through. Please don't hesitate to post your thoughts, feelings, symptoms and gripes. I'll be mad at you if you hold back on me now!