April 8, 2008

Sometimes the Love is Overwhelming

There are days where I want to cry myself to sleep when I collapse into bed at night. Days where I feel like I go head to head all day long with a feisty, strong willed toddler and end up losing time and time again. Days where I wonder if I was cut out to be a parent.

I'm not perfect. Far from it. I make my fair share of mistakes. But sometimes my patience gets so thin that I find myself taking my frustration out on her. When I feel myself doing so I try to take a step back, take a deep breath in an attempt to clear my head and remind myself that I need to stay calm and grounded. She's just a child. I'm the parent. I should know better.

Lately I've found my patience to be unceasingly thin. And I lose my days when I get like this. I forget to take the time to appreciate the little things. I forget to remember how much I love her.

She hasn't slept well for almost 2 weeks now. Why? We're not sure. But I find myself getting upset when she cries at 10pm, midnight, 2am, 4am, or whenever. We try to go into the nursery and get back out with as little intervention as possible. And the frustration builds as the minutes go by.

Last night I was getting ready to shut down the computer and head to bed when she woke. As her cries escalated, the following verse began to play on XM (which I had playing in another browser window):

"Just the other night the baby was cryin
So I got out of bed rocked her awhile and I held her tight
And I told her it would be all right

My mind went back to a few years ago
We tried so long, we almost gave up hope
And I remember you comin' in and tellin me the news
Oh man we were livin, goin crazy in the kitchen
We danced and screamed and held each other tight
We laughed until we cried."

So I went downstairs, wiped her tears and rocked her for an hour.

I can only hope, that she'll never question how much I love her. Even when my actions are clouded with frustration.

Yeah, it's country. Sorry for my non country friends. And it's not the video that goes with the song. But it gets the message across.


DD said...

I've always believed that to forge a good parent, there has to be moments of hair-pulling aggravations. It makes the sweeter times so much the sweeter.

Kristen said...

Life with a cranky baby is tough as hell. I don't think you give yourself nearly the credit you deserve for all the balls you manage to juggle on a daily basis. You may feel like a failure some days but I think you are an amazing Mom, a terrific wife, a great scientist and an amazing friend. You should know that you mean a lot to me and I know I am not the only one who feels that way!

Thank God that even on the tough days we have those amazing moments of parental clarity. God sure knows what He is doing! :>)

KarenMM said...

What an appropriate song to hear. I needed to hear it as well and I'm thankful that you heard it and could share it with the rest of us.

We all have days like yours. We just want to rip our hair out because nothing seems to be going right and the LO isn't listening to anything we say.


Bryant & Candice said...

I heard that song (yes, I'm a country music fan) for the first time while I was doing the dishes a couple weeks ago. I had to stop because I was crying so hard.

I'm sure you're a great mom and that one day, your daughter will appreciate everything you've done for her. It may not always be apparent, but I know she will. Hugs!