April 14, 2009

And Still He Sleeps

After 10 years together, it is clearly obvious that my husband will sleep through just about anything. Drives me absolutely insane. I'm awake with the smallest of noises -- my heart racing as I strain to hear every sound in the house, trying to figure out what's going on. Next to me he sleeps like a log. Completely oblivious unless I jar him awake and force him to pay attention.

Absolutely maddening at times.

About 4:45 this morning, I'm woken up by his snoring. He's lying flat on his back and sawing logs. I push him onto his side and pray that the noises he is emitting significantly reduce. No dice.

My movements alert the 4-legged inhabitants of our bedroom that something is amiss. Now Logan is awake and jumps off of the bed. He begins pacing around the bedroom and nosing at the bedroom door. Knowing that he can easily go 10 hours without going outside, I hate the thought of getting out of bed to let him outside. I vehemently hiss at him to shut up and lay back down. The whining and pacing continue.

I lay there in bed, pulling the covers up tightly to my chin, hoping that sleep will come over me and drown out the snoring of my husband and the whining of my dog. No dice there either.

Next to me, my husband rolls onto his back yet again and the snoring intensifies. As his weight shifts, his right arm picks up momentum and I'm smacked in the face with the back of his hand. My eyes well up with tears and I curse at him. I lay there trying to determine if my nose is bleeding.

The dog continues to whine and pace. My husband brings the offending arm up over his head and I quickly yank it down to his side to avoid getting smacked again. The whining is now impossible to ignore.

As my anger and frustration ratchets up exponentially, I throw the covers off, curse yet again at my husband, and stomp my way to the kitchen to let Logan outside. As he goes tearing off into the backyard his claws dig into the warm fleshy top of my foot. More cursing ensues. I hear my husband snoring from the bedroom, behind closed doors.

A short trip to the bathroom and I'm standing at the back door, hissing at my dog to get his furry backside in the house. He instead thinks it is appropriate to run Indy 500 laps around the backyard with lightning speed. The decision to come in follows closely behind a threat to leave him outside, me shutting the door and turning the back light off. Within seconds he's standing on the step.

The clock on the bedside table reads 5:07 when I pull the covers back up. I sigh in realizing that in 53 short minutes the alarm will go off, signaling the start of our day. I close my eyes and hope that I'll get some sleep before I need to wake my husband up.

As I feel myself drifting off, the cell phone on the dresser buzzes to alert us of a new text message. Knowing that the reminder feature is turned on, I curse at my husband for the final time, fling the covers off yet again and crawl out of bed to acknowledge the message on HIS phone.

How nice would it be, to be able to sleep through all of this?


WaterBishop said...

Mine is the same way. His personal phone and his work phone are both beeping all night. The cats are fighting literally on top of us in bed. Then he jacks me in the face with his elbow, all while snoring like a buffalo. He bounces easily out of bed every morning and wonders why I am so tired and groggy.

Jen Gray said...

Are your husband and my husband related? Maybe twins, separated at birth?

I think I've had that same exact night. Deja vu.


Jessica said...

I hear you...why do they get to sleep so soundly? What's funny in our house is when I kick him to quit snoring, he wakes up and goes "Why did you do that?" Because you're snoring..."No I'm not" Uh, yes you ARE! Ugh...like I didn't just get woke up because of it grrr...

I'm sorry your day started out like it did. I was chuckling as I read this because almost all of those things happen in our house, including the dog's claw in the foot. And why is it that the dogs choose that time to take their sweet ol time in the backyard? lol...that, I will never figure out.

Makes you just want to go back to bed and start the day over again the right way doesn't it? ;)

Journey Through Toddlerhood said...

Ha! For a minute I thought you were writing about MY husband. How is it that they can sleep through everything and anything? Emma can be in the bed with us crying and wailing and he STILL sleeps on. Really?! My favorite is when all this goes on and then in the morning when I tell him about it he looks at me with a straight face and asks "Why didn't you wake me up?" Ummmm...what? what exactly do you think would have woken you up? Take a deep breath and at least know that you are not alone my dear.

Kristin said...

Yet one more of the many reasons I look forward to every single one of your posts. No matter what the subject, you writing style is perfect. Sorry, too, that the morning started like it did. I feel your pain (figuratively and literally) on all of it, including the dog nails ripping the skin off the top of your foot. The days when you wake up wanting a drink... usually that urge only getting stronger throughout the day.

Kristin, Rod, and Victoria said...

sorry -that was me.

DD said...

The spare bedroom has been my haven. If you have one, you might want to keep your slippers, a robe, a bottle of water and some earplugs handy for repeat performances. That and a remote for a shock collar. Whether you want to put that on the dog or you husband, well that's up to you.

Flying Monkeys said...

The the missing chunk of DNA. :) M's dad slept through a fire alarm at a hotel once. The trucks, the sirens, the whole deal. M was doomed from the beginning and somehow I still feel safer when he's home even though I know I will hear anything amiss before he does.

(Get him to the dr about the snoring, just to be safe. He may call me Beavis but I kinda like the lotion loader, don't tell him though.)

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say that I died laughing at this blog. I had to read it to my husband b/c this IS our life!!