A story for the ages (Part IV)

Whew...who would have ever thought I could be this long winded? Actually, probably everyone who knows me in real life fully understands that I take twenty minutes to tell a 30 second story. No wonder C tunes me out so often.

After we returned from our trip to Royal Chitwan National Park (which was in week 4 of our trip) C and I started to get questions from the other students, pertaining to the status of our "relationship". Both of us were quick to say that we had relationships back home and we were only friends. I'm not exactly sure who we were trying to convince, ourselves or our peers. Many believed this; a couple of people saw right through the lie. I guess they saw what we were trying to desperately to figure out.

It seems as though we both took a step away from one another at this time. I knew that I needed to figure out my head and my heart. I began to wonder if my vision was clouded because of the time I was spending with him. I focused more on spending time with the family I was living with and with some of the other girls on the trip, mainly Carrie, Meghan and Dana. Much to my surprise, during this time, C broke up with his girlfriend in Michigan. Perhaps he was quicker to admit what was going on.

Time away from C made me realize how much I enjoyed being with him. How much he made me laugh, how good he made me feel. I began dodging phone calls from Kyle and writing terse e-mail messages, skimming over the details of my daily adventures. I came to the realization that our relationship wasn't going to work. No matter what developed with C, I couldn't see myself having a life with Kyle anymore. But I felt that he deserved more than a phone call or an e-mail telling him so. I decided to wait until I got home to break the news to Kyle. Looking back, I don't know if this was the best way to handle the situation. Unfortunately, it's what I ended up doing and I can't undo what I've done.

The couple of weeks after our Chitwan field trip are somewhat of a blur to me. Somewhere after the soul searching C and I found one another again. We began spending most of our free time together but tried to make sure there was always one or two other people there as well, so it didn't appear obvious. Come to find out later, it was. Everyone on the trip knew what was brewing. Which supports everything my mom always taught me about being sneaky, that I would get found out.

On week 7 of our trip we spent a week in Kathmandu and I think this is really the defining time in our relationship. Thursday afternoon we did not have lectures and were free to do whatever we wanted. Dana and I had gone to the textile district and put in orders to have some beautiful dresses made. I had left a note for C at the hotel, telling him where we'd be if he wanted to meet up with us for dinner. Not surprising, he found us quickly. He had the most amazing knack of finding his way around places. I'd think we were totally lost and with a turn of a corner he'd have us right where we needed to be.

But anyways, we ended up meeting with a bunch of friends for dinner. As the night wore on most of the group dissipated, leaving C and I alone. As usual. We ended up on the roof of this Italian restaurant (yeah, we're in Kathmandu, eating Italian) with a bottle of wine. The city stretched out in front of us and we sat there watching the lights, listening to the noise below and the truth started to come out. I told him how I was feeling. How I didn't want to be with Kyle anymore, that I couldn't see myself with him long term anymore. But even with the wine I was too afraid to tell C how I felt about him. I was too afraid to open myself up totally.

Fortunately I think he saw everything that I was too scared to say. At the door to my hotel room that night, he leaned in and kissed me gently. Without saying a word, he walked away...leaving my mind spinning and my knees shaking...