September 16, 2006

Excuse Me While I Rant

There are three people in my life that truly deserve to be mothers. Without a doubt, they would be the kind of parents that make others jealous. They'd raise smart, articulate, well-mannered children that would grow up to be upstanding citizens of this country. Probably citizens that would try to make a difference in whatever way they possibly could. Problem is, all three of these women struggle cycle after cycle with some sort of infertility. Bringing them continued disappointment, heartache, frustration and continued struggles. The three of them are at very different junctions in their journeys but all have experienced the devastating heartache of a miscarriage, or miscarriages.


Why is it that the most deserving are sometimes the ones who have the hardest struggles? Why should they be faced with the challenges they are when so many others are blessed with children when they're in less than ideal situations?

I know this is a sticky topic. I'm sure there are plenty of people who will flame me for it, albeit silently. Saying that everyone has the right to be blessed with children. Saying that I have no right to judge. And I totally agree. Everyone has the right to experience parenthood. But I also think that the right should be exercised only when those people are mature enough and responsible enough to handle their offspring. And I know, I shouldn't judge. But at times it's really difficult not to get irritated by how the cards of fate are dealt sometimes.

Living in Provo and being surrounded by BYU students really ruffled my feathers now and again. I met numerous people who's sole intention was to get married and immediately start a family. Didn't seem like a big deal at first, it was obviously their choice. But once I started to look at the logistics I started to get riled up. Common scenario--couple gets married while still in school. Wife gets pregnant right away, either quits taking classes and stays home with baby or continues education (usually the first option). Husband continues in school, working a part-time job to support his ever-growing family. After graduation, husband typically continues on for an advanced degree. Doctor, dentist, lawyer, get the picture. Through this, wife continues to have more kids. So where is the money coming from? How do you support a family on a 25 or 30 hour a week part-time job?

There were times when I was in grad-school living on a stipend that equated to a full-time $8/hour job, that C and I were struggling to make ends meet. I couldn't imagine living on that solely and supporting children as well. So one time, I got the courage to ask a friend who was newly married and newly pregnant (and had quit school to be a stay at home mom) how they were going to make ends meet. Her husband barely worked 25 hours at a job that I knew couldn't pay more than $7 or $8/hour. She looked me square in the eye and without batting an eyelash or skipping a beat, she replied, "welfare, of course". They had PLANNED to go on assistance so she could stay home and they could have a family. I'm sure that I was speechless.

So why is it that people like this pop kids out like nothing? They never struggle with fertility issues or perhaps the morality of the situation. But here I have these friends that all have great educations, stable marriages, good incomes and are READY for a family. They get slapped in the face with trying for years, invasive medical procedures, horrible financial commitments, miscarriages and heartache.

Where is the fairness in this? How come there isn't some Darwinistic system in place that causes temporary infertility in couples that aren't ready, that aren't capable of supporting children? That automatically "lifts" when their situation changes.

I suppose that would make life all too easy. I know that we're all given challenges in life for one reason or another. It just seems that some people are un-necessarily given more than their fair share.

It appears as though my rant has been tempered somewhat as I sit and write. It's been watered down considerably. Where I was intitally inflamed about these situations when I first sat down, I feel as though now my thoughts are of a more reflective nature. Don't get me wrong, it still upsets me.

These women deserve a break from the heartache. They deserve to be given the opportunity to experience parenthood. They deserve to have the easy road for a change. I know that our road to parenthood hasn't been easy for us, but it seems as though it's been a walk in the park compared to what they've faced.

If I could, I'd give anything I have to change their situations. Perhaps it sounds cheesy, but I hope that all know that.


Kristen said...

I know that honey and, God, I love you for it. All I can say is THANK YOU for loving me and being my friend. Thank you for caring so deeply about me. I am a lucky woman to know you. (hugs and kisses)

Sami said...

Okay first Mitch Albom and now you... seriously did you have to make me cry :) In all seriousness... I know you would do anything to change our situations... unfortunately you can't. All you can do is support those of us still waiting in the wings and let us support you as you take some well deserved spotlight. (I hope that made sense - however I did work all night so I hope you get it)

Lorem ipsum said...

Thank you. Yesterday we went to a forest to relax, and we encountered the biggest redneck family who jumped all over the bridge holding us up 75' off the ground and then vandalized it before our very eyes. And I'm sure they had no trouble reproducing.

And BTW, my SIL has the same attitude. Two kids, two dads, no child support, doesn't care. She has welfare, and her parents pick up the rest! Meanwhile, we paid HOW much for fertility treatments on our own...?

I hate humanity.

KrisAndRod said...

Makes you question religion. When Kristin...and Victoria were in the hospital I never once questioned why it was happening to me/us. I don't belive that there is any reason. What got us through the pain was knowing that we coulld handle the situation. We were in a position, both financially and maturity, to roll with the punches. I deal with people every day that do not appreceiate life. Just recently I was sent to an argument between and woman and guessed it...her baby's daddy. She was 8 months pregnant and complaining that the daddy didn't care that she was recently in the hospital for contractions. It reminded me of our dealings with contractions for so long. The familiarity ended with the woman pulled out a cigarette and lit it up. I wanted to slap the shit out of her.

Don't question why something happens...especially when there is no fault to deal out. Roll with the punches because these events will change your life. I am a better man for having to deal with similar crap nearly a year ago. I am a lucky husband and lucky dad.

Good luck ladies.