February 16, 2006

Time to fess up

For the past week or so (since my follow up appointment with Dr. DoNothing) I've been ranting. I've ranted about how I don't want to wait anymore. I've ranted that I don't want to try "naturally" to get pregnant. I've ranted about how we need to get aggressive in our treatment. I've ranted that I'm tired of this journey. What it really boils down to is the fact that I'm tired of the heartache that I carry around inside of me. I hate that I've turned into "that" person. The woman who sneers at beautiful pregnant bellies, changes the channel when commercials for pregnancy tests come on and can't even find the courage to call my sister-in-law and congratulate her on her pregnancy. That's not who I am inside, but it's who I've become. It's not that I'm not happy for these pregnant women. It's just that I'm so incredibly envious that it turns my stomach and makes my heart race. It brings tears to my eyes because it's something I want so badly but feel is just out of my reach. I know that the heartache of my losses will always be with me. Personally, I don't ever want to lose it completely because it's a daily reminder of the wonderful things that I do have in my life. But I'd like some of the rawness of the heartache to diminish. The only way I think that will happen is for me to get pregnant and to safely get past the first trimester.

Even before my appointment with Dr. DoNothing I had been seriously thinking about injectable ovulation induction meds. Yeah, the kind that you hear women giving birth to quintuplets because of. I've tried the clomid and it's obvious that it does work. But I'm afraid that it's also contributing to the miscarriages. Maybe I'm wrong in my thinking but it's just a step I'd like to bypass at this point. My hope is to have this new doctor tomorrow ask me what I want to do, where I feel we should be headed. Maybe I'll be brave and try the clomid for a couple of cycles; maybe he'll force me to be ever braver and try the injectables.

A conversation I had this morning with my sister really brought some things into perspective. I've done a lot of ranting the past week (actually since the miscarriage in October) and in all reality it's just a smoke screen. An illusion to keep my mind occupied and my true feelings hidden from view. Deep down inside I'm terrified of the next step. I'm terrified of moving onto injectables, even terrified of going back on the clomid again. I want to be pregnant so badly but the thought of it scares me to death. This past year has been so emotionally devastating. A positive pregnancy test no longer results in shrieks of jubilation and the desire to scream the news at the top of your lungs. It brings tears, fears and trepidation. I can't allow myself to get excited because of the heartache that could slam into my world at any moment. I've lost that naive excitement about being pregnant and it's been replaced by chill you to the bone fear.

I'm not sure what feeling is worse--wanting to get pregnant to lessen the heartache I carry with me now or being afraid to get pregnant because of the risk of further heartache...


Lorem ipsum said...

Hi -

It's frightening how we are no longer who we were. We have become the sum of our miscarriages. We have been blinded, our true vision stripped away, and our best hope to see is through thick, ugly lenses that are our losses.

We will never relax again.