May 31, 2006

Is Today "the" Day?

Every morning I wake up and hope that today will be that miraculous day in which this horrible morning sickness goes away. So far, I haven't been lucky enough to reach that milestone. My doctor told me that I should start feeling better once I hit 13 weeks. Friends who have suffered through similar experiences told me their relief came at 14 weeks. Here I sit at a little over 15 weeks and I've felt worse the past two days than I have in two weeks.

I thought that maybe after I was done working and could "ease" into my day that I'd start to feel better. Nope, that thought was wrong.

I thought that maybe after I was done working and could eat more regularly and have more choices (instead of just what I'd taken to work that day) that I'd start to feel better. Nope, that thought was wrong.

I thought that maybe once we moved out of Utah and got away from the heat that I'd start to feel better. Nope, that thought was wrong.

More importantly, I thought that maybe once we were moved out of the house and that stress was behind me that I'd start to feel better. Nope, that thought was also wrong.

I can't imagine dealing with this while having other children in the house. Even with my medication I was sick until almost noon today. I would drag my sorry carcass out of bed to throw up, rinse my mouth out and drag it back to bed. My poor dogs were stuck in their kennels in the basement because they kept barking to go outside and play. How would I handle taking care of another child while feeling this way? I couldn't even get out of bed this morning to iron C's clothes for work or make him coffee.

I've heard over and over again that it will get better soon; that I just need to get enough sleep and keep food in my stomach; that I'll forget about all of this once the worst has passed. I appreciate people trying to sympathize, I really do.
I know that every pregnant woman has had to face their own struggles and can only use her experience as a reference. But at times I feel that it's very patronizing and it makes me feel like I'm being overly dramatic or exaggerating my symptoms and how I'm feeling. I apologize to those who have said such things--I'm not upset at you for saying them, I know that you're just trying to help. Unfortunately I'm getting to the point where I cringe when people ask how I'm feeling because I wish I could just say that I had a good day. More than anything I guess I'd just like people to say, "I'm sorry that you're still feeling so awful, I hope that tomorrow is a better day".

I know this sounds incredibly shallow and selfish. After 8 weeks of feeling like this I'm worn down and I'm aggravated. I'm tired of having to cover the broken blood vessels under my eyes because I'm been so violently sick. There are days that I sit on the bathroom floor and just sob because I don't know how much more I can handle (without C knowing any of this, of course). I don't know how many more days I have the strength to endure.

I'm tired of being sick, I'm tired of being tired and I'm tired of feeling like I have to be strong and brave and plug on like nothing's wrong.

9 comments:

KrisAndRod said...

First of all, who says you have to plug along like nothing's wrong??? Each pregnancy has its share of ups and downs. Anyone who's been pregnant should be able to offer up some sympathy that not everything is (non-alcoholic) wine and roses. Whether it's something as simple as "what are they talking about when they say being makes you glow? I'm just oily!!!" to more serious feelings like you're having. I hope you don't always feel like you have to hide your misery - lean on C, I'm sure he can not only handle it, but would be glad to. You're the mother of his child, and the love of his life.

I wish Idaho was closer... :(

Nicole said...

Thanks for the nice comment on my blog! I am always excited to hear from new peeps. :-) Too bad you just moved to Idaho... love to hear from you more.

Marz said...

I was lucky enough the 1st time around not to have morning sicknes but I had extreme exhaustion and everyone kept telling me it would get better & it did at 20 weeks!! Then at 24 weeks it came back!!! Every person is different & every pregnancy is different but we'll keep positive thoughts that your sickness does go away soon & that you will get to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy (eventually)

Kristen said...

Like I told you before, my sister also had hyperemisis and it is very unlike normal morning sickness. So, you are not wrong to be frustrated at all the normal advice people give for m/s. I just hope that you hit your magic date soon and you start to feel better. I wish there was something I could do to help. Hang in there, it wil all be worth it in 172 short days!

Sami said...

Quick comment as my mind is fried... I'm sorry you feel crappy. Let C know what's going on... he wants to know. Sorry that the magic date wasn't yesterday because I seriously thought maybe yesterday would be the day for you. Will keep my fingers crossed that today is the day... sending up some positive vibes as well that maybe when you wake up things will be a bit better.

Sami said...

Just take it one day at a time... rather than looking at the big picture... I know it's easier said than done, but know I'm cheering you on in my mind and again sending those positive anti-nausea vibes your way.

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